The Not-For-Wankers Football Review #1 By RM Clark

Featuring Ratcliffe, Levy, and Ange.

And so the dust settles on another Premier League Weekend. It is Monday morning now, with only Chelsea and Wolverhampton Wanderers yet to play.

Little has changed over the past two days. All we know for certain is all that we had suspected in weekends previous - that Nottingham Forest are good at playing football, that Liverpool have one hand on the title, that Manchester City have a better squad than Ipswich Town and that Southampton FC had better start planning for The Championship.

Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester United sit in 15th and 13th place respectively. Their crowning achievement thus far is how deftly they have managed to navigate the tightrope of being both utterly predictable and yet timelessly funny, like Del Boy falling backwards through the bar or Night At The Museum 3.

It takes a man with a cold, Jim Ratcliffe-esque heart not to be stirred by the sight of Jim Ratcliffe wasting his final years in the cold, leaking carcass of that once great stadium, his beady billionaire’s eyes fixed down upon the panicked vermin bounding aimlessly around on the Old Trafford turf whilst Dave Brailsford chunters on in his ear about that wanker Bradley Wiggins. How many more receptionists must I cull in order to sign a new striker? He wonders. And once those disgusting vermin are all dealt with, I really must do something about the rats.

At Tottenham Hotspur meanwhile, ‘Big Ange’ Postecoglou has taken to conducting entire interviews whilst staring solemnly down at his own shoes, perhaps with the intention of distracting the worldwide audience from his team’s poor form by giving them weekly updates on the state of his rapidly-thinning scalp. Reports suggest that chairman Daniel Levy is reluctant to pull the trigger on his manager because he could do with the extra numbers at his ‘North London Slapheads’ support group.

Unai Emery continues to perform - and look - like Mikel Arteta’s sleep paralysis demon, having knocked his Arsenal team out of a second consecutive title race that they were never really in in the first place. Elsewhere, Bournemouth trampled over Newcastle, West Ham continued to be shite and, presumably, somewhere out there in the void, a game of football was contested between Fulham and Leicester.

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By RM Clark