The Not-For-Wankers Football Review #2 By RM Clark

Gianni Infantino is not an easy man to like.

Gianni Infantino is not an easy man to like.

First he cosied up to Vladamir Putin. Second he brought the World Cup to Qatar. And third he turned up at the Etihad this weekend in support of Manchester City.

Gianni Infantino, Darth Soriano, Lord Al-Mubarak and Emperor Begiristain. Pictured together in an array of eye-wateringly expensive coats, standing side by side with steely expressions like the Mount Rushmore of footballing corruption. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and Gianni Infantino redressed them in hard-hats and high-vis, sent them undocumented off to the deserts and turned a blind eye as they died in their thousands. Pep Guardiola paid tribute to the fallen men on Saturday evening by offering up his own young blood for sacrifice - throwing his new £34,000,000 defender Abdukodir Khusanov into the deep end with his debut at home against the might of sixth-placed Chelsea. Khusanov took the Premier League like a duck to wet cement - gifting Noni Madueke with a tap-in after three minutes, earning himself a silly booking after four, and finding himself hooked off in favour of John(ny, Johnny) Stones shortly before the hour mark.

Not content with cosying up to just the one side of Manchester’s footballing duopoly, Mr. Infantino headed down to London via Avanti West Coast shortly after the final whistle on Saturday night and arrived just in time for United’s fixture at Fulham the following evening. There, he paid tribute to the traditional fairytales of the Brothers Grimm by being a big bad wolf at Craven Cottage. Alejandro Garnacho excelled in the role of Little Red Riding Snood and Ruben Amorim was heard instructing his players to press high up the pitch when out of possession, shouting “you shall go to the ball!”

Elsewhere, an Arsenal player was shown a red card and NATO were forced to issue a statement; Bournemouth’s Dango Ouattara scored a hat-trick against Nottingham Forest; Tottenham did the Tottenham thing; Southampton did the Southampton thing; Liverpool did the Liverpool thing; and the lads in my Fantasy team did absolutely nothing at all.

Oh, and buy my book. It’s really good. Winner Stays On - England With The FA Cup For A Compass (£12.15)